I actually made it through the first day which has always been the hardest for me whenever I've tried to fast something. And I've tried fasting a lot of different things: facebook, chocolate, meat, all sweets, everything but liquids, books, meals.. I pretty much always fail each of these fasts on the first day. I have multiple excuses, none of them really good. Honestly it's most likely because I have a hard time denying myself anything.
I felt pride in myself for sacrificing candy and treats from Wednesday all the way to Friday. Then Saturday morning came and I wanted donuts. Donuts are neither candy or treats; they are a breakfast food. So I ate 2 of them (felt like there was a lead balloon in my stomach afterwards, ugh). I didn't really see this as cheating on my Lent so I kept up with the sacrifice until Monday. Then I realized I had to have peanut M&M's. So I devoured a small bowl of them. And yesterday, I thought that I might as well have a few more since I splurged on Monday.
So now it's been the first full week of Lent and I am out of the game. I can't decide if it's our culture to blame or my lack of devotion or just my self-indulgence. Here's the thing though, I have huge respect for people who actually fulfill their vows for Lent. I was reading a woman's account of why she observes Lent and it shamed me for my worldly reasons. I learned that it should be a seeking and revelation time during this season of abstinence. Instead of focusing on my "need" of sweets, I should have been focusing on the fact that chocolate won't truly satisfy the deep need inside of me. Only Jesus can fill that and this is a time for reflection on how my life can be filled with more of God and His Word then filling it with things that fail to satisfy. Jesus said, I am the Bread of Life.
So I am going to continue my journey of observing Lent realizing that as a person I have failed and I may fail again. But I would like this to be a season of learning for me, of realization that Easter shouldn't be just a one day event, but a season of preparation. A season of thankfulness for Christ's sacrifice for me. I hope I do learn something by the end and am able to celebrate the resurrection of our Savior with a truly humble and thankful heart.