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It's easy to become frustrated or angry when they come out after we have told them to stay in bed. I've noticed that threats don't work. The nights we threaten them with punishment for getting out of their bed, one of my boys will inevitably come out and say, "I just wanted to say that you are the best mom out of all the moms and I love you." Then rush down the stairs to give me a big hug that will last as long as they can drag it out. I mean, how do you get after them for making declarations of love? And then, I believe the saying, don't be the first to let go when hugging a child because you don't know how much they need it.
So I've started to use empathy to see if I can redirect them back to bed without a fuss. I have succeeded. For example, last night Travis and Peyton wanted to snuggle with me at bedtime. So I climbed up onto the top bunk (which is kind of scary when you are no longer 8 weighing only 60 pounds) and laid down next to Trav first. Then after a few minutes I climbed down to cuddle with Peyton on his bed. They talked my ear off while I spent this quality time with them (don't get me wrong, I loved it and I would cuddle every night) so I kept it short. As I'm about to walk out the door, Peyton sits up and says, I need my bad guy that lights up! Travis then sits up and says, can you have Daddy find my watch? I give them both a look and say, Good night boys. Peyton starts to moan as I walk away. I head down to the basement looking for the bad guy. I pressed the button on him and he doesn't light up. I start talking to Paul, while I clean up a few toys, and when I hear a noise on the stairs, there's Peyton. "I need my bad guy."
Instead of using "the look" and sending him back to bed (knowing that he will probably throw himself down on the ground pouting) I used empathy. I said, "I'm sorry buddy, it's not working. I just tried it and it won't light up. Let's head back up to bed." He quietly turned around and made it all the way to his door before turning and saying with a quiver in his voice, I know it works, can I try it? I said sadly, "I'm sorry buddy, now is not the time to try and fix it. Let's go back to bed, hopefully it will work in the morning." He turned and that was the last I saw and heard of him!
I'm thinking that this empathy thing is working a lot more smoothly than anger ever will. Sometimes I have to think, if this was my friend how would I respond? Keeping calm and showing I care about the little things he cares about (even if I just want to throw the McDonald's toy away) is one way I can reach Peyton. And what do you know, this morning Peyton found the little toy and showed me that it still worked, apparently there's a little power switch I totally missed. He wasn't mad at me, he was just happy that his toy still worked.